These photos came our way from an unnamed source.  They don't want to take credit but we certainly will!

Jewish Olympic Swimmer (above)

Bassman sent these along for your consideration:

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?"

Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."

Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya 'think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"

Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues: Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."

Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"

Man: "What sins?"

Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"

Man: "I'm Jewish."

Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"

Man: "I'm 92 years old .... I'm telling everybody."

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

"Quick," said the woman to the lover, "into the closet!" and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. "Who are you?" he asked him.

"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.

"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.

"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied.

"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said, "Those little bastards!"

Bassman also sent in this "Lawyer's Joke" which is worth repeating ...

MR sent in these Clean Jokes:

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."

So he tied her up and went golfing.

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"

The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"

"Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out."

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's  license.  First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters:

'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'

"Can you read this?" the optician asked.

"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must tell you all something.  We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."

"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay."

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.  Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD!  WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to! STICK!  Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up!  Are you CRAZY?  Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them.  You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt.  USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued ! him a comb.  That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.

On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.

That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.

On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.  The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

Dr. MJ sent these.  They are all under the heading "When Graphic Artists Get Bored" and are truly amazing!

A cousin, JA, sent this one, with the caveat ... "I don't know if you are into jokes, but this one made me laugh this morning... "  JA is a distant cousin, but we're going to bring her up to date on our love of jokes."

GG sent this one, and we must include it here:

SN brings up the end of today's updates with this news article:

Amazing!  Watch for at the American Museum of Natural History. 

FOX NEWS -- A major research institution has just announced the discovery of the densest element yet known to science. The new element has been named "Bushcronium."  Bushcronium has one neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 224 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 311.

These particles are held together by dark forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. The symbol for Bushcronium is "W."

Bushcronium' s mass actually increases over time, as morons randomly interact with various elements in the atmosphere and become assistant deputy neutrons in a Bushcronium molecule, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to believe that Bushcronium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration.

This hypothetical quantity is referred to as "Critical Morass." When catalyzed with money, Bushcronium activates Foxnewsium, an element that radiates orders of magnitude more energy, albeit as incoherent noise, since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

May 31, 2007

SN sent this one - short and sweet and ... oh, so true!

A parrot for George

Laura Bush bought Dubya a parrot for his birthday. She told Condi Rice, "This bird is so smart! George has already taught him to mispronounce over 200 words!"

That's pretty impressive," Condi said. "But you do realize that he just says the words. He doesn't understand what they mean."

"That's okay," Laura replied. "Neither does the parrot."

Another one from Bassman:

A woman visited a psychic of some local repute.  In a dark and gloomy room, gazing at the Tarot cards laid out before her, the Tarot reader delivered the bad news: "There is no easy way to say this so I'll just be blunt:  Prepare yourself to be a widow.  Your husband will die a violent and Horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, the woman stared at the psychic's lined face, then at the Single flickering candle, then down at her hands.  She took a few deep Breaths to compose herself.  She simply had to know.  She met the Tarot Reader's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked, "Will I get away with it?"

Bassman, on a roll, sent this:

An elderly Italian man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled  the aroma of his favorite Italian anisette sprinkle cookies wafting  up the stairs.

Gathering his remaining strength, he lifted  himself from the bed.  Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way  out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands he crawled downstairs.  With a deep breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen where, if not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven.

For there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table, were literally hundreds of his favorite anisette sprinkled cookies.

Was it heaven?  Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Italian wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a crumpled posture.  His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life.  His aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.

"Get outta here!" she shouted, "They're for the  funeral!"

Sis-in-Law sent these Bushisms, asking Can the English language survive after Bush?

"The vast majority of our imports come from outside the country." - George W. Bush

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." - George W. Bush

"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'." - George W. Bush

"I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future." - George W. Bush

"The future will be better tomorrow. " - George W. Bush

"We're going to have the best educated American people in the world." - George W. Bush

"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made." - George W. Bush

" We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe.  We are a part of Europe." - George W. Bush

"Public speaking is very easy." - George W. Bush

"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls." - George W. Bush

"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur. " - George W. Bush

"For NASA, space is still a high priority." - George W. Bush

" Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children." - George W. Bush

" It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." - George W. Bush

"It's time for the human race to enter the solar system." - George W. Bush

The Significant Other found these, and we're glad she did!

ZEN JUDAISM

* If there is no self, whose arthritis is this?

* Be here now.  Be someplace else later.  Is that so complicated?

* Drink tea and nourish life.  With the first sip... joy.  With the second... satisfaction.  With the third, peace.  With the fourth, a Danish

* Wherever you go, there you are.  Your luggage is another story.

* Accept misfortune as a blessing.  Do not wish for perfect health or a life without problems.  What would you talk about?

* The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single "Oy."

* There is no escaping karma.  In a previous life, you never called, you never wrote, you never visited.  And whose fault was that?

* Zen is not easy.  It takes effort to attain nothingness.  And then what do you have?  Bupkes.

* The Tao does not speak.  The Tao does not blame.  The Tao does not take sides.  The Tao has no expectations.  The Tao demands nothing of others.  The Tao is not Jewish.

* Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out.  Forget this and attaining Enlightenment will be the least of your problems

*! Let your mind be as a floating cloud.  Let your stillness be as the wooded glen.  And sit up straight. You'll never meet the Buddha with such rounded shoulders.

* To Find the Buddha, look within.  Deep inside you are ten thousand flowers.  Each flower blossoms ten thousand times.  Each blossom has ten thousand petals.  You might want to see a specialist.

* To practice Zen and the art of Jewish motorcycle maintenance, do the following:  get rid of the motorcycle.  What were you thinking?

* Be aware of your body.  Be aware of your perceptions.  Keep in mind that not every physical sensation is a symptom of a terminal illness.

* The Torah says, "Love thy neighbor as thyself."  The Buddha says there is no "self."  So, maybe you are off the hook.

* The Buddha taught that one should practice loving kindness to all sentient beings. Still, would it kill you to find a nice sentient being who happens to be Jewish?

* Though only your skin, sinews, and bones remain, though your blood and flesh dry up and wither away, yet shall you meditate and not stir until you have attained full Enlightenment.  But, first, a little nosh

Your editor found this one, which follows the above precisely!

As I've Matured...

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in...

I've learned that one good turn gets most of the blankets.

I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just jackasses.

I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

I've learned that whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others -they are more screwed up than you think.

I've learned that depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

I've learned that it is not what you wear; it is how you take it off.

I've learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you're finished.

I've learned to not sweat the petty things, and not pet the sweaty things.

I've learned that ex's are like fungus, and keep coming back.

I've learned age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

I've learned that I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy it.

I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.

I've learned that artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

I've learned that 99% of the time when something isn't working in your house, one of your kids did it I've learned that there is a fine line between genius and insanity.

I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.  And the real pains in the ass are permanent.

GG sent these, calling them "Really Bad Puns"

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off ? He's all right now.

The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.

The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.

Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.

We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U C L A

The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it

The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground

The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

If you take a laptop computer for a run, you could jog your memory.

A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.

I fell through a screen door and strained myself.

Visual Goodies!

For our first goodie ... your editor took this photo during a tremendous downpour in early April, in the New York Metropolitan Area.  This poor little fella was trying to wait out the storm.  This was the only shelter he (or she) could find.  While we thought it was a very humorous shot, we also felt for the little thing ... We call it

I'm Knot Home!

We are extremely proud to present what we call a Jim-bor-ee.  These cartoons are from your editor's cousin, Jimmy Margulies, who is the political cartoonist for The Record, in Bergen County, New Jersey.

The last one was re-printed in the Sunday New York Times.

All of these are posted here by permission.  To reprint or re-post them, you must get Jimmy's permission by emailing him at JimMarg@aol.com.

[Posted by permission of the author, Jimmy Margulies.  For reprint rights, please email JimMarg@aol.com]

May 14, 2007

Happy Mothers' Day!

A bunch of visuals sent in by GG.  More humor later this month ...

First off, GG said these are "All Alex jokes!"

So, the first bunch, GG called, "YOU  NAMED IT WHAT????"  

You named it What? #1

You named it What? #2

You named it What? #3

You named it What? #4

You named it What? #5

You named it What? #6

You named it What? #7

You named it What? #8

And now ...

So, GG followed those with this:  "It just  wouldn't be the same if the whole world spoke just one language, now  would it?"

And, finally ...

Enjoy!  We will put up more before Memorial Day.  Meantime, Happy Mother's Day!

Currently, we have 101 separate jokes sent in by SN.  Here are just a few of them:

What marriage is about?

He ordered one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink.  The old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half.

He placed one half in front of his wife.

He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink; his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.  As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them kept looking over and whispering.

You could tell they were thinking, "That poor old couple – all they can afford is one meal for the two of them."

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table.  He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple.  The old man said they were just fine - They were used to sharing everything.

The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite.  She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them.  This time the old woman said "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything."

As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked "What is it you are waiting for?"

She answered … "THE TEETH."

DRUGS WITH TWO NAMES

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name, and generic name.  For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen.  Aleve is also called Naproxen.  Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.  After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that is has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin.  Also considered were mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that VIAGRA will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer.  It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.  Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "coc*tails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink.”  Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: "MOUNT & DO"

The Frog's Loan

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller.  He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name.  The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure.  I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant.  "I mean, what in the world is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says...

"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack.  Give the frog a loan.  His old man's a Rolling Stone."

(You're singing it, aren't you?  Yeah, I know you are...)

Never take life too seriously!  Come on now, you grinned, I know you did!!!

WE WOULD RATHER DO BUSINESS WITH 1000 AL QAEDA TERRORISTS THAN WITH ONE SINGLE AMERICAN"

This sign was prominently displayed in the window of a business in Philadelphia.  You are probably outraged at the thought of such an inflammatory statement.  One would think that anti-hate groups from all across the country would be marching on this business and that the National Guard might have to be called to keep the angry crowds back.

But, perhaps in these stressful times one might be tempted to let the proprietors simply make their statement.

We are a society which holds Freedom of Speech as perhaps our greatest liberty.  And after all, it is just a sign.

You may ask what kind of business would dare post such a sign?

Answer:  A Funeral Home

(Who said morticians had no sense of humor?)

BEST TATTOO OF THE YEAR

Give us a sense of humor, Lord;

Give us the grace to see a joke.

To get some humor out of life;

And pass it on to other folk.

THOUGHT THIS WAS TOO BEAUTIFUL NOT TO SHARE!  HE LOOKS LIKE A GIANT SNOWFLAKE!!!

Medical Examinations

1.    A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!”  I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear.  Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs -and I was in the wrong one.  - Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX.

2.    At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.  "Big breaths,"   I instructed.  "Yes, they used to be," replied the patient.  - Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA

3.    One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.  Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."  -  Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada

4.    During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications.  "Which one?”  I asked.  "The patch.  The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I’m running out of places to put it!”  I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see.  Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!  Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.  - Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA

5.    While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?”  After a look of complete confusion she answered..."Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive."  - Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR

6.    I was caring for a woman and asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?”  "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly.  I can't seem to get used to the taste" the patient replied.  I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled ”KY Jelly."  - Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI

7.    A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered.  It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery.  When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass."  Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."  - Submitted by RN no name

8.    As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams.  To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.  The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me.  I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry.  Was I tickling you?"  She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, "I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener."  - Dr. wouldn't submit his name.

Moscow before the Perestroika.

A Russian couple was walking down the street in Moscow one night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose.  "I think it's raining", he said to his wife.

"No, that felt more like snow to me", she replied.

"No, I'm sure it was just rain" he said.

Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing.  Just then they saw a Communist Party official walking toward them.

"Let's not fight about it", the man said, "Let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing.”

As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?"

"It's raining, of course", he replied, and walked on.

But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!" to which the man quietly replied: "Rudolph the Red, knows rain, dear.”

Bassman has sent me literally hundreds of jokes of all types over the years.  These are just a sampling of the quality …

Dear Dogs and Cats,

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food.  The other dishes are mine and contain MY food.  Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate of food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack.  Beating me to the bottom is not the object.  Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed.  I am very sorry about this.  Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort.  Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep.  It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible.  I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom.  If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, and try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open.  I must exit through the same door I entered.  Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine or feline attendance is NOT mandatory.  The proper order is kiss me, THEN go smell the other dog or cat's butt.  I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:

Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our Pets:

1.    They live here.  YOU DON'T.

2.    If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.  (That's why they call it "fur"niture.)

3.    I like my pets a lot better than most people.

4.    To you, it's an animal.  To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours, and doesn't speak clearly.  Dogs and cats are better than kids....because... they eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, NEVER drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college - and if they get pregnant, you can SELL THEIR CHILDREN !!!

The Anniversary Gifts

A rich man and a poor man were discussing what they gave their wives for their anniversary.  The rich man says, "I bought my wife a diamond necklace and a Mercedes Benz."

Poor man asks, "Why did you buy her two gifts?"

The rich man replies, "Well, in case she doesn't like the diamond necklace, she can drive her Mercedes Benz to take it back."

The poor man acknowledges the rich mans answer then proceeds to tell him what he got his wife.  "I got my wife a pair of flip flops and a dildo."

With a confused and intrigued look, the rich man asks, "Why did you buy her those gifts?!"

The poor man replies, "Well, in case she doesn't like the flip flops, she can go fuck herself."

The Vibrator

As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within.  Opening the door, she observed her daughter giving herself a real workout with a vibrator.  Shocked, she asked, "What in the world are you doing?"

The daughter replied," Mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband.  Please, go away and leave me alone."

The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door.  Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.  To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said, "Dad, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband.  Please, go away and leave me alone."

A couple days later, the wife and daughter came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the family room.  They entered room and observed the husband/father sitting on the couch, staring at the TV.  The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.

The wife asked, "What the hell are you doing?"

The husband replied, "I'm watching the ball game with my son-in-law."

Anniversary Dinner

An elderly couple is enjoying an anniversary dinner together in a small tavern.  The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago?  We went behind this tavern where you leaned against the fence and I made love to you.

"Yes," she says, "I remember it well."

"OK," he says, "how about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time sake?"

“Oooooooooh!  Henry, you devil." she answers.

There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, and having a chuckle to himself.  He thinks, "I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence.  I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble."

So he follows them.  They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks.  Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.  The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her panties down and the old man drops his trousers.  She turns around and as she hangs on the fence, the old man moves in.

Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen.  They are bucking and jumping like eighteen-year-olds.  This goes on for about fifteen minutes!

She moans "Oh God" and he hangs on to her hips for dear life.

This is the most athletic sex imaginable.  Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground.  The policeman is amazed.

After about half an hour lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and puts their clothes back on.  The policeman, still watching thinks, that was truly amazing.  I've got to ask them what their secret is.

As the couple passes, he says to them, "That was something else!  How did you manage it?  Is there some sort of secret?"

The old man says, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

Company Picnic

For the last departmental picnic, management had decided that due to liability issues, we could have alcohol, but only one (1) drink each person.

Priceless

Read the following explanation before looking at the attached picture!

Most Syrians struggle to even read Arabic, much less have a clue about English.

So, how does a group of Syrian protest leaders create the most impact with their signs by having the standard "Death To Americans" (etc.) slogans printed in English?

Answer: They simply hire an English-speaking civilian to translate and write their statements into English.  Unfortunately, in this case, they were unaware that the "civilian" insurance company employee hired for the job was a retired US Army sergeant!

Obviously, pictures of this protest rally never made their way through the Arab TV networks, but the results were "Priceless."

Who Brought The Cat?

Two Ladies In Heaven

1st woman:  Hi!  My name is Wanda.

2nd woman:  Hi!  I'm Sylvia.  How'd you die?

1st woman:  I Froze to Death

2nd woman:  How Horrible!

1st woman:  It wasn't so bad.  After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death.  What about you?

2nd woman:  I died of a massive heart attack.  I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act.  But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman:  So, what happened?

2nd woman:  I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking.  I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement.  Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds.  I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive!

Klan Doc?

I could be wrong, but judging by the way he's dressed, this guy ain't gonna make it!

 In God's Image!

TEACHER:       Why are you late, Frank?

FRANK:          Because of the sign.

TEACHER:       What sign?

FRANK:          The one that says, ”School Ahead, Go Slow."

SERVICE

At one time in my life, I thought I had a handle on the meaning of the word "service.”

"It's the act of doing things for other people."

Then I heard these terms which reference the word "SERVICE:"

Internal Revenue Service

Postal Service

Telephone Service

Civil Service

City & County Public Service

Customer Service

Service Stations

 GG says, “Variations on some themes we've seen before.  Call this one Lessons in Political Science.”

DEMOCRATIC

You have two cows.

Your neighbor has none.

You feel guilty for being successful.

Barbara Streisand sings for you.

REPUBLICANISM

SOCIALIST

COMMUNIST

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE

AMERICAN CORPORATION

FRENCH CORPORATION

JAPANESE CORPORATION

GERMAN CORPORATION

ITALIAN CORPORATION

RUSSIAN CORPORATION

TALIBAN CORPORATION

IRAQI CORPORATION

POLISH CORPORATION

BELGIAN CORPORATION

FLORIDA CORPORATION

CALIFORNIA CORPORATION

GG calls this one “A Jewish Alex Joke.”

Morris & Barbara were happily married for many years.  At his annual "Men's Night" at his club, Morris hoisted his schnapps and said, "Here's to spending the rest of my life between the legs of my lovely wife!"

That won him the top prize at the club for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Barbara, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."

She said, "That's nice.  And what was your toast?"

Morris said, "Here's to spending the rest of my life, sitting in 'shul' beside my wife."

"Oh Morris, that's so nice!”

The next day, Barbara ran into one of Morris's club buddies.  The man chuckled and said, "Morris won the prize at the club with a toast about you."

She said, "Sure, he told me.  And I was a bit surprised myself.  You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years.  Once he fell asleep, and the other time, on Yom Kippur, I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

GG said, about this one, “This should end all Three Bears Stories!"

Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table.  He looks into his small bowl.  It is empty.  "Who's been eating my porridge?!!" he squeaks.

Papa Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair.  He looks into his big bowl, and it is also empty.  "Who's been eating my Porridge?!!" he roars.

Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, "How many times do we have to go through this with you idiots?

It was Momma Bear who got up first; it was Momma Bear who woke everyone in the house.

It was Momma Bear who made the coffee, it was Momma Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night, and put everything away.

It was Momma Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper.

It was Momma Bear who set the damn table, it was Momma Bear who put the friggin cat out, cleaned the litter box, and filled the cat's water and food dish.

And, now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs, and grace Momma Bear's kitchen with your grumpy presence, listen good, cause I'm only going to say this one more time.

"I HAVEN'T MADE THE DAMN PORRIDGE YET!!

 Saint George

President George W. Bush was scheduled to visit the Methodist church outside Washington, DC as part of his campaign.  Bush's campaign manager made a visit to the Bishop, and said to him, "We've been getting a lot of bad publicity among Methodists because of Bush's position on stem cell research and the like.  We'd gladly make a contribution to the church of $100,000 if during your sermon you'd say the President is a saint."

The Bishop thinks it over for a few moments and finally says, "The Church is in desperate need of funds and I will agree to do it."

Bush pompously shows up looking especially smug today and as the sermon progresses the Bishop begins his homily: "George Bush is petty, a self-absorbed hypocrite and a nitwit.  He is a liar, a cheat, a bully, and a low-intelligence weasel.

He was a drunken cokehead for most of his adult life, and he had Rove scrub his cocaine arrest story by setting up and destroying the journalist who reported it, the late Jim Hatfield.

He has lied about his military record and had the gall to dress up in a flight suit landing on a carrier posing before a banner stating 'Mission Accomplished.'

Worst of all, he let his cabinet neocons and covert operators murder almost 3,000 Americans on 9/11 so he could invade two countries for oil and money and he’s been lying about it ever since.

He is the worst example of a Methodist I've ever personally known.  But compared to Dick Cheney, Donald Rumsfeld, Paul Wolfowitz, Richard Pearle, Doug Feith, Scooter Libby, and the other neocons, George Bush is a saint."

GG sent us an advertisement, covering “The New Rx from MERCK, and asks, “Couldn’t we all use a little of this?”

GG sent this, and we’ll close her submissions with this one.  She comments, “Well, it’s an Alex!”

#1 SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR...

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.

"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.  I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"

A smart ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering.  When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shaking her head and sweetly said "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

Dear Safety Harbor Middle School:

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizen's luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Safety Harbor Assisted Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone now and it's nice to know that someone is thinking of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady.

My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio, but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping. The other day her radio fell off the night stand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I told her to kiss my ass.

Thank you for that opportunity.

Sincerely.

Edna