To The
(one, the only ...)
Humor Mill!
Latest Update:
Saturday, January 05, 2008
Employee Of The Year Award!
[We're curious ... Does a Dyslectic Agnostic wonder if there really is a Dog?]
And now ... new postings. Enjoy!
An offering from a guest contributor, called:
DAD AT THE MALL
I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes. We decided to grab a bite at the food court.
I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at
him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time.
When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, 'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?'
Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; knowing he would have a good one. And in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response, 'Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.'
THINK POSITIVE
I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline.
Got a call center in
When I told them I was suicidal,
They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
Best sign seen at a mall? Or an invitation for children to run away from their parents at the mall?
Anger Management
Sometimes, when you are angry with someone, it may help to just sit down and think about the problem ...
... before it gets worse.
The FaceliftA woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 32," is the reply.
"Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, "I'd guess about 29."
The woman replies with a big smile, "Nope, I'm 50."
Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.
The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30."
Again she proudly responds, "I'm 50, but thank you!"
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the heck, go ahead."
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other. After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay... How old am I?"
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, "Madam, you are 50."
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you tell?"
The old man says, "Promise you won't get mad?"
She says, "Why should I get mad?"
The Old Man says again, "You MUST promise me you won't get mad."
"Okay," she says. "I promise I won't get mad."
"I was behind you at McDonalds."
Eating Right
Yesterday I went to the doctor for my yearly physical. My blood pressure was high, my cholesterol was high, I'd gained some weight, and I didn't feel so hot. My doctor said eating right doesn't have to be complicated and it would solve my physical problems. He said just think in colors...
Fill your plate with bright colors... greens, yellows, reds, etc.
I went right home and ate an entire bowl of :
And sure enough, I felt better immediately. I never knew eating right could be so easy.
Someone has finally made an orthopedic bed just for MEN.
Available only at "Butts, Boobs and Beyond."
Globalization Explained!
Finally, a definition of globalization I can understand and to which I can relate:
Question: What is the truest definition of Globalization?
Answer: Princess Diana's death.
Question: How come?
Answer: An English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a French tunnel, driving a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian who was drunk on Scottish whisky, (check the bottle before you change the spelling), followed closely by Italian Paparazzi, on Japanese motorcycles; treated by an American doctor, using Brazilian medicines.
This is sent to you by a Canadian, using Bill Gates' technology, and you're probably reading this on your computer, that uses Taiwanese chips, and a Korean monitor, assembled by Bangladeshi workers in a Singapore plant, transported by Indian lorry-drivers, hijacked by Indonesians, unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen, and trucked to you by Mexican illegals ...
That, my friends, is Globalization!
The Kiss
(Not a joke)
She is pregnant, he had just saved her from a fire in her house, rescuing her by carrying her out of the house into her front yard, while he continued to fight the fire.
When he finally got done putting the fire out, he sat down to catch his breath and rest.
A photographer from the Charlotte, North Carolina newspaper, noticed her in the distance looking at the fireman. He saw her walking straight toward the fireman and wondered what she was going to do.
As he raised his camera, she came up to the tired man who had saved her life and the lives of her babies and kissed him just as the photographer snapped this photograph.
And people say animals are dumb.
For Sale - One Useless Cat!
Maybe they were raised together as friends?
Wal-Mart Interview
A manager at Wal-Mart had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.
The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, the interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?"
Acknowledging the first man on his right, the man replied, "A THOUGHT." It just pops into your head. There's no warning.
"That's very good!" replied the interviewer. "And, now you sir?" he asked the second man.
"Hmmm...let me see. "A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of."
"Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye, that's a very popular clichι for speed." He then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.
"Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. "Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of."
The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light," he said.
Turning to Bubba, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question.
Old Bubba replied, "After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA."
"WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response.
"Oh sure", said Old Bubba. "You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already shit my pants."
Old Bubba is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you!
You probably will think of this every time you enter a Wal-Mart from now on ...
Have a good day while u shop @ Wal-Mart!
Pork the one you love?
Say WHAT?
" Mass suicides...Cows going over the edge...tonight on Channel 3 News..."
How does that work?
Ever heard of a leash?
Yeah ... This is safe!
Quick Question ...
Where did they put the rest of him?
And that is the end of the yearly posts for 2007. Join us next year, when we post the good ones for 2008!
Have a Safe and Humorous New Year!
Special, from a source who wishes to remain anonymous, this question:
Would you admit to this one being "an Alex?"
And, that source goes on to offer this sage advice:
Never, ever ... ever, under any circumstance ... kiss a monkey.
Okay, I do admit ... this one can definitely be classified as "An Alex!"
SN sent this one:
13 Most Fun Buzzwords of the Previous Year
Here are the 13 most fun buzzwords of last year, according to the publishers of
The Buzzword Dictionary: 1,000 Phrases Translated from Pompous to English. Can't wait to see what makes the 2007 list!
blamestorming
Death by Tweakage:
When a product or project fails, due to unnecessary tinkering or too many last-minute revisions.
BMWs
clockroaches
plutoed
prairie dogging
carbon-based error
menoporsche
adminisphere
deja poo
bobbleheading
ringtone rage
muffin top
And then SN sent:
Shortly after the Pope had apologized to the Jewish people for the treatment of Jews by the Catholic Church over the years, Ariel Sharon, then
Prime Minister of Israel, sent a proposal to the College of Cardinals for a friendly game of golf to be played between the two leaders, or
their representatives, to demonstrate the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Catholics and the Jews. The Pope met his College of Cardinals to discuss the proposal. "Your
Holiness" said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Sharon wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show that you are old and unable to compete. I am
afraid that this would tarnish our image in the world". The Pope thought about this and, since he had never held a golf club in his life,
asked, "Don't we have a Cardinal to represent me?" "None who plays golf very well," a Cardinal replied. "But there is a man named Jack
Nicklaus, an American golfer, who is a devout Catholic. We could offer to make him a Cardinal, and then ask him to play Mr. Sharon as your
personal representative. In addition to showing our spirit of cooperation, we will also win the match." Everyone agreed that this was a great idea. The call was made. Of
course, Nicklaus was honored and he agreed to play as a representative of the Pope. The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform
the Pope of the result. "This is Cardinal Nicklaus. I have some good news and some bad news, Your Holiness," said the golfer. "Tell me the
good news, Cardinal Nicklaus," said the Pope. "Well, Your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even though I have played some pretty terrific
rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by far. I must have been inspired from above. My drives were long and true,
my irons were accurate and purposeful, and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous." "How can there be bad news" the Pope asked. Nicklaus sighed, "I lost
by three strokes to Rabbi Tiger Woods."
Bassman sent this one ... yes, it's a Blond Joke: A young blonde was on vacation and driving through the Everglades. She wanted to take home a
pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle on prices" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde
shouted, "Well the nerve, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator, so I can get a pair of shoes for free!" The shopkeeper said with a sly knowing smile, "Little lady, just go and give it a try!" The blonde headed out toward the swamp determined to catch an alligator. Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he pulls over to the side of the levee where he spots that
same young woman standing waist deep in the murky bayou water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he spots a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning speed, she takes aim,
fires, kills the creature and hauls it onto the slimy bank of the swamp. Lying nearby were 7 more of the dead creatures, all lying on their
backs. The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement. The blonde struggled and flipped the gator onto
its back. Rolling her eyes heavenward and screaming in great frustration, she shouts out ... "CRAP... THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT TOO!" Bassman also sent a visual, called Priceless! He said, "some people just don't pay attention!"
Family reunion in the Bahamas -
$5,000.
Family photograph made into
Christmas cards at print shop
-
$100.
Not
noticing Waldo in the upper right corner - PRICELESS.
For
Everything Else . . . There's MasterCard.
(So,
did ya miss it on
the first go round?)
Bassman sent us an oldie but very goodie! Richard is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen
mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure. A young, student nurse appears to
give him a partial sponge bath. Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my
testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir.
I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet." He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?" Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about
his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand
and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around. Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing
wrong with them, sir!!" The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says
very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely... "ARE MY TEST RESULTS BACK ?" We leave you, after such a short update, with
these words of wisdom: --- THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me
the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
The previous postings.
Enjoy! Do you feel like smacking this guy? Really giving it to him? Click on the photo
and have at it! When you see the fists, click on either one. The faster you click on a fist, the better it gets. Go get him!
Our thanks to JD for
sending this one.
RU sent this one:
by
www.SixWise.com
:
A group process where participants analyze a failed project, and look for scapegoats other than themselves.
Golf: Jews versus Catholics
Get this: Don Cheney briefed the President this morning. He told Bush that 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq.
To everyone's amazement, the entire color ran from Bush's face, then he collapsed onto his desk, head in hands, visibly shaken, almost whimpering.
Finally, he composed himself and asked Cheney, "Just exactly how many is a brazillion?"
These photos came our way from an unnamed source. They don't want to take credit but we certainly will!
Jewish Olympic Swimmer (above)
How you know a Catholic is driving too fast (above)
Why you really don't want to get married on the beach (above)
Bassman sent these along for your consideration:
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."
The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"
The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."
The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"
The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"
There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."
The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."
The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times."
The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice."
The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"
The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."
A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful."
Then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're cute."
The wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful," it was now "cute."
She asked, "What happened to beautiful?"
The man replied, "The drugs are wearing off."
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?"
Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."
Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya 'think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"
Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues: Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."
Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"
Man: "What sins?"
Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"
Man: "I'm Jewish."
Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"
Man: "I'm 92 years old .... I'm telling everybody."
A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
"Quick," said the woman to the lover, "into the closet!" and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.
The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. "Who are you?" he asked him.
"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.
"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.
"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied.
"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said, "Those little bastards!"
Bassman also sent in this "Lawyer's Joke" which is worth repeating ...
The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office. The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, "Our research shows that even though your annual income exceeds two million dollars you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?"
The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, "First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?"
Embarrassed the United Way rep mumbles, "Uh...no, I didn't know that."
"Secondly" says the lawyer, "My brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children."
The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology but is cut off again.
"Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another who has learning disabilities requiring a huge array of private tutors?"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, "I'm so sorry, but I had no idea."
And the lawyer says, "So...if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?"
MR sent in these Clean Jokes:
One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."
So he tied her up and went golfing.
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"
The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"
"Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out."
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters:
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
"Can you read this?" the optician asked.
"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."
"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay."
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to! STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."
Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued ! him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.
That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.
Dr. MJ sent these. They are all under the heading "When Graphic Artists Get Bored" and are truly amazing!
A cousin, JA, sent this one, with the caveat ...
"I don't know if you are into jokes, but this one made me laugh this morning... " JA is a distant cousin, but we're going to bring her up to date on our love of jokes."A couple wanted to join the church. The pastor told them, "We have a special requirement for new member couples. You must abstain from sex for one whole month."
The couple agreed and after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the Church. When the Pastor ushered them into his office, the wife was crying and the husband was obviously very depressed.
"You are back so soon. Is there a problem?" the pastor inquired.
"We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month," the young man replied sadly.
The pastor asked him what happened.
"Well, the first week was difficult; however, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower. The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain. However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible, anything to keep our minds off carnal thoughts.
One afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and I just had my way with her right then and there. It was lustful, loud, passionate sex. It lasted for over an hour and when we were done we were both drenched in sweat," admitted the man, shamefacedly.
The pastor lowered his head and said sternly, "You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church."
"We know," said the young man, hanging his head, "We're not welcome at Home Depot either."
Bassman sent this one, with the note that "Some people are too stupid to own a cat!" We tend to agree!
That same cousin, JA, sent this on Andy Rooney, from 60 Minutes:
In case you missed it on 60 Minutes, this is what Andy Rooney thinks about women over 40:
60 Minutes Correspondent Andy Rooney (CBS)
As I grow in age, I value women over 40 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:
A woman over 40 will never wake you in the middle of the night and ask, "What are you thinking?" She doesn't care what you think.
If a woman over 40 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do, and it's usually more interesting.
Women over 40 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get away with it.
Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated.
Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 40.
Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 40 is far sexier than her younger counterpart. Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk if you are acting like one. You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.
Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed, hot woman over 40, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year old waitress.
Ladies, I apologize. For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?", here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage. Why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
Andy Rooney is a really smart guy!
GG sent this one, and we must include it here:
Gracie Allen's Classic Recipe for Roast Beef
1 large Roast of beef
1 small Roast of beef
Take the two roasts and put them in the oven. When the little one burns, the big one is done ...
[Goodnight, Gracie!]
SN brings up the end of today's updates with this news article:
Amazing! Watch for at the American Museum of Natural History.
FOX NEWS -- A major research institution has just announced the discovery of the densest element yet known to science. The new element has been named "Bushcronium." Bushcronium has one neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 224 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 311.
These particles are held together by dark forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. The symbol for Bushcronium is "W."
Bushcronium' s mass actually increases over time, as morons randomly interact with various elements in the atmosphere and become assistant deputy neutrons in a Bushcronium molecule, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to believe that Bushcronium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration.
This hypothetical quantity is referred to as "Critical Morass." When catalyzed with money, Bushcronium activates Foxnewsium, an element that radiates orders of magnitude more energy, albeit as incoherent noise, since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.
May 31, 2007
SN sent this one - short and sweet and ... oh, so true!
A parrot for George
Laura Bush bought Dubya a parrot for his birthday. She told Condi Rice, "This bird is so smart! George has already taught him to mispronounce over 200 words!"
That's pretty impressive," Condi said. "But you do realize that he just says the words. He doesn't understand what they mean."
"That's okay," Laura replied. "Neither does the parrot."
Bassman sent this one, also very true! He said, "You can't make this stuff up!"
Another one from Bassman:
A woman visited a psychic of some local repute. In a dark and gloomy room, gazing at the Tarot cards laid out before her, the Tarot reader delivered the bad news: "There is no easy way to say this so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and Horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, the woman stared at the psychic's lined face, then at the Single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep Breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the Tarot Reader's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked, "Will I get away with it?"
Bassman, on a roll, sent this:
An elderly Italian man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite Italian anisette sprinkle cookies wafting up the stairs.
Gathering his remaining strength, he lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands he crawled downstairs. With a deep breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen where, if not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven.
For there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table, were literally hundreds of his favorite anisette sprinkled cookies.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Italian wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a crumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life. His aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.
"Get outta here!" she shouted, "They're for the funeral!"
Sis-in-Law sent these Bushisms, asking Can the English
language survive after Bush?
"The vast majority of our imports come from outside the country." - George W. Bush
"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." - George W. Bush
"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'." - George W. Bush
"I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future." - George W. Bush
"The future will be better tomorrow. " - George W. Bush
"We're going to have the best educated American people in the world." - George W. Bush
"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made." - George W. Bush
" We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe." - George W. Bush
"Public speaking is very easy." - George W. Bush
"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls." - George W. Bush
"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur. " - George W. Bush
"For NASA, space is still a high priority." - George W. Bush
" Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children." - George W. Bush
" It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." - George W. Bush
"It's time for the human race to enter the solar system." - George W. Bush
The Significant Other found these, and we're glad she did!
ZEN JUDAISM
* If there is no self, whose arthritis is this?
* Be here now. Be someplace else later. Is that so complicated?
* Drink tea and nourish life. With the first sip... joy. With the second... satisfaction. With the third, peace. With the fourth, a Danish
* Wherever you go, there you are. Your luggage is another story.
* Accept misfortune as a blessing. Do not wish for perfect health or a life without problems. What would you talk about?
* The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single "Oy."
* There is no escaping karma. In a previous life, you never called, you never wrote, you never visited. And whose fault was that?
* Zen is not easy. It takes effort to attain nothingness. And then what do you have? Bupkes.
* The Tao does not speak. The Tao does not blame. The Tao does not take sides. The Tao has no expectations. The Tao demands nothing of others. The Tao is not Jewish.
* Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Forget this and attaining Enlightenment will be the least of your problems
*! Let your mind be as a floating cloud. Let your stillness be as the wooded glen. And sit up straight. You'll never meet the Buddha with such rounded shoulders.
* To Find the Buddha, look within. Deep inside you are ten thousand flowers. Each flower blossoms ten thousand times. Each blossom has ten thousand petals. You might want to see a specialist.
* To practice Zen and the art of Jewish motorcycle maintenance, do the following: get rid of the motorcycle. What were you thinking?
* Be aware of your body. Be aware of your perceptions. Keep in mind that not every physical sensation is a symptom of a terminal illness.
* The Torah says, "Love thy neighbor as thyself." The Buddha says there is no "self." So, maybe you are off the hook.
* The Buddha taught that one should practice loving kindness to all sentient beings. Still, would it kill you to find a nice sentient being who happens to be Jewish?
* Though only your skin, sinews, and bones remain, though your blood and flesh dry up and wither away, yet shall you meditate and not stir until you have attained full Enlightenment. But, first, a little nosh
Your editor found this one, which follows the above precisely!
As I've Matured...
I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in...I've learned that one good turn gets most of the blankets.
I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just jackasses.
I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.
I've learned that whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others -they are more screwed up than you think.
I've learned that depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
I've learned that it is not what you wear; it is how you take it off.
I've learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you're finished.
I've learned to not sweat the petty things, and not pet the sweaty things.
I've learned that ex's are like fungus, and keep coming back.
I've learned age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
I've learned that I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy it.
I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.
I've learned that artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
I've learned that 99% of the time when something isn't working in your house, one of your kids did it I've learned that there is a fine line between genius and insanity.
I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away. And the real pains in the ass are permanent.
GG sent these, calling them "Really Bad Puns"
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off ? He's all right now.
The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.
Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.
We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U C L A
The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it
The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground
The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
If you take a laptop computer for a run, you could jog your memory.
A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
I fell through a screen door and strained myself.
Visual Goodies!
For our first goodie ... your editor took this photo during a tremendous downpour in early April, in the New York Metropolitan Area. This poor little fella was trying to wait out the storm. This was the only shelter he (or she) could find. While we thought it was a very humorous shot, we also felt for the little thing ... We call it
I'm Knot Home!
We are extremely proud to present what we call a Jim-bor-ee. These cartoons are from your editor's cousin, Jimmy Margulies, who is the political cartoonist for The Record, in Bergen County, New Jersey.
The last one was re-printed in the Sunday New York Times.
All of these are posted here by permission. To reprint or re-post them, you must get Jimmy's permission by emailing him at JimMarg@aol.com.
[Posted by permission of the author, Jimmy Margulies. For reprint rights, please email JimMarg@aol.com]
May 14, 2007
Happy Mothers' Day!
A bunch of visuals sent in by GG. More humor later this month ...
First off, GG said these are "All Alex jokes!"
So, the first bunch, GG called, "YOU NAMED IT WHAT????"
You named it What? #1
You named it What? #2
You named it What? #3
You named it What? #4
You named it What? #5
You named it What? #6
You named it What? #7
You named it What? #8
And now ...
So, GG followed those with this: "It just wouldn't be the same if the whole world spoke just one language, now would it?"
And, finally ...
Enjoy! We will put up more before Memorial Day. Meantime, Happy Mother's Day!
Currently, we have 101 separate jokes sent in by SN. Here are just a few of them:
What marriage is about?
He ordered one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. The old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half.
He placed one half in front of his wife.
He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink; his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them kept looking over and whispering.
You could tell they were thinking, "That poor old couple all they can afford is one meal for the two of them."
As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said they were just fine - They were used to sharing everything.
The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything."
As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked "What is it you are waiting for?"
She answered "THE TEETH."
DRUGS WITH TWO NAMES
In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name, and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that is has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.
Pfizer Corp. announced today that VIAGRA will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "coc*tails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: "MOUNT & DO"
The Frog's Loan
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says...
"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
(You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you are...)
Never take life too seriously! Come on now, you grinned, I know you did!!!
WE WOULD RATHER DO BUSINESS WITH 1000 AL QAEDA TERRORISTS THAN WITH ONE SINGLE AMERICAN"
This sign was prominently displayed in the window of a business in Philadelphia. You are probably outraged at the thought of such an inflammatory statement. One would think that anti-hate groups from all across the country would be marching on this business and that the National Guard might have to be called to keep the angry crowds back.
But, perhaps in these stressful times one might be tempted to let the proprietors simply make their statement.
We are a society which holds Freedom of Speech as perhaps our greatest liberty. And after all, it is just a sign.
You may ask what kind of business would dare post such a sign?
Answer: A Funeral Home
(Who said morticians had no sense of humor?)
BEST TATTOO OF THE YEAR
Give us a sense of humor, Lord;
Give us the grace to see a joke.
To get some humor out of life;
And pass it on to other folk.
THOUGHT THIS WAS TOO BEAUTIFUL NOT TO SHARE! HE LOOKS LIKE A GIANT SNOWFLAKE!!!
Medical Examinations
1. A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab! I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs -and I was in the wrong one. - Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX.
2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," replied the patient. - Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA
3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart." - Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada
4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one? I asked. "The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now Im running out of places to put it! I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one. - Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA
5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden? After a look of complete confusion she answered..."Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive." - Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR
6. I was caring for a woman and asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning? "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste" the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled KY Jelly." - Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI
7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass." Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn." - Submitted by RN no name
8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, "I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener." - Dr. wouldn't submit his name.
Moscow before the Perestroika.
A Russian couple was walking down the street in Moscow one night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose. "I think it's raining", he said to his wife.
"No, that felt more like snow to me", she replied.
"No, I'm sure it was just rain" he said.
Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then they saw a Communist Party official walking toward them.
"Let's not fight about it", the man said, "Let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing.
As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?"
"It's raining, of course", he replied, and walked on.
But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!" to which the man quietly replied: "Rudolph the Red, knows rain, dear.
Bassman has sent me literally hundreds of jokes of all types over the years. These are just a sampling of the quality
Dear Dogs and Cats,
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain MY food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate of food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, and try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine or feline attendance is NOT mandatory. The proper order is kiss me, THEN go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!
To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:
Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our Pets:
1. They live here. YOU DON'T.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"niture.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours, and doesn't speak clearly. Dogs and cats are better than kids....because... they eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, NEVER drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college - and if they get pregnant, you can SELL THEIR CHILDREN !!!
The Anniversary Gifts
A rich man and a poor man were discussing what they gave their wives for their anniversary. The rich man says, "I bought my wife a diamond necklace and a Mercedes Benz."
Poor man asks, "Why did you buy her two gifts?"
The rich man replies, "Well, in case she doesn't like the diamond necklace, she can drive her Mercedes Benz to take it back."
The poor man acknowledges the rich mans answer then proceeds to tell him what he got his wife. "I got my wife a pair of flip flops and a dildo."
With a confused and intrigued look, the rich man asks, "Why did you buy her those gifts?!"
The poor man replies, "Well, in case she doesn't like the flip flops, she can go fuck herself."
The Vibrator
As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter giving herself a real workout with a vibrator. Shocked, she asked, "What in the world are you doing?"
The daughter replied," Mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone."
The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator. To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said, "Dad, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone."
A couple days later, the wife and daughter came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the family room. They entered room and observed the husband/father sitting on the couch, staring at the TV. The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.
The wife asked, "What the hell are you doing?"
The husband replied, "I'm watching the ball game with my son-in-law."
Anniversary Dinner
An elderly couple is enjoying an anniversary dinner together in a small tavern. The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this tavern where you leaned against the fence and I made love to you.
"Yes," she says, "I remember it well."
"OK," he says, "how about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time sake?"
Oooooooooh! Henry, you devil." she answers.
There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble."
So he follows them. They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her panties down and the old man drops his trousers. She turns around and as she hangs on the fence, the old man moves in.
Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen. They are bucking and jumping like eighteen-year-olds. This goes on for about fifteen minutes!
She moans "Oh God" and he hangs on to her hips for dear life.
This is the most athletic sex imaginable. Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed.
After about half an hour lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and puts their clothes back on. The policeman, still watching thinks, that was truly amazing. I've got to ask them what their secret is.
As the couple passes, he says to them, "That was something else! How did you manage it? Is there some sort of secret?"
The old man says, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."
Company Picnic
For the last departmental picnic, management had decided that due to liability issues, we could have alcohol, but only one (1) drink each person.
Priceless
Read the following explanation before looking at the attached picture!
Most Syrians struggle to even read Arabic, much less have a clue about English.
So, how does a group of Syrian protest leaders create the most impact with their signs by having the standard "Death To Americans" (etc.) slogans printed in English?
Answer: They simply hire an English-speaking civilian to translate and write their statements into English. Unfortunately, in this case, they were unaware that the "civilian" insurance company employee hired for the job was a retired US Army sergeant!
Obviously, pictures of this protest rally never made their way through the Arab TV networks, but the results were "Priceless."
Who Brought The Cat?
Two Ladies In Heaven
1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.
2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?
1st woman: I Froze to Death
2nd woman: How Horrible!
1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st woman: So, what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive!
Klan Doc?
I could be wrong, but judging by the way he's dressed, this guy ain't gonna make it!
GG's Goodies, Redux
It must be pointed out that GG has sent so many good ones over the years that it is nearly impossible not to choose all of them, to post here on The Humor Mill. With that in mind, were going to post at least 10 of the best ones she sent. You can decide if they are truly good ones. And if you dont like them, you can submit your own favorites, by clicking on this link: Submit Jokes
In God's Image!
Letter of Divorce
Dear Husband:
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell.
Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw.
Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee.
You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game.
You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or anything.
Youre cheating or you don't love me anymore, what ever the case is, I'm gone.
P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!
Your Ex-Wife
Dear Ex-Wife:
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been.
I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work.
I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a man!"
My mother raised me to not say anything if you can't say anything nice. When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.
I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99.
After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone.
Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with the letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born Carla. I hope that's not a problem.
Signed: Rich and Free!
Differences between Men and Women
How to treat a woman:
Wine her.
Dine her.
Call her.
Hold her.
Surprise her.
Compliment her.
Smile at her.
Listen to her.
Laugh with her.
Cry with her.
Romance her.
Encourage her.
Believe in her.
Pray with her.
Pray for her.
Cuddle with her.
Shop with her.
Give her jewelry.
Buy her flowers.
Hold her hand.
Write love letters to her.
Go to the ends of the earth and back again for her.
How to treat a man:
Show up naked.
Bring chicken wings.
Don't block the TV!!!
Kids are quick!
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: Maria.
TEACHER: Why are you late, Frank?
FRANK: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
FRANK: The one that says, School Ahead, Go Slow."
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell "crocodile?"
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L"
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it s wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday, you said it's H to O.
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
TEACHER: Gus, why do you always get so dirty?
GUS: 'Cause I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with "I."
MILLIE: I is...
TEACHER: No, Millie... Always say, "I am."
MILLIE: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the ax in his hand.
TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE: No, teacher, it's the same dog.
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher.
SERVICE
At one time in my life, I thought I had a handle on the meaning of the word "service.
"It's the act of doing things for other people."
Then I heard these terms which reference the word "SERVICE:"
Internal Revenue Service
Postal Service
Telephone Service
Civil Service
City & County Public Service
Customer Service
Service Stations
Then I became confused about the word "service." This is not what I thought "service" meant.
So today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to "service" a few of his cows.
BAM! It all came into perspective.
Now I understand what all those "service" agencies are doing to us. I hope you now are as enlightened as I am.
GG says, Variations on some themes we've seen before. Call this one Lessons in Political Science.
DEMOCRATIC
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
Barbara Streisand sings for you.
REPUBLICANISM
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?
SOCIALIST
You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.
COMMUNIST
You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.
AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself, and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts
stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.
FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.
JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.
GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.
ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.
RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.
TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts.
You get a $40 million grant from t he US government to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.
IRAQI CORPORATION
You have two cows.
They go into hiding.
They send radio tapes of their mooing.
POLISH CORPORATION
You have two bulls.
Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.
BELGIAN CORPORATION
You have one cow.
The cow is schizophrenic.
Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish.
The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow.
The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk.
The cow asks permission to be cut in half.
The cow dies happy.
FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one.
Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither.
Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best-looking cow.
CALIFORNIA CORPORATION
You have millions of cows.
They make real California cheese.
Only five speak English.
Most are illegals.
Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.
GG calls this one A Jewish Alex Joke.
Morris & Barbara were happily married for many years. At his annual "Men's Night" at his club, Morris hoisted his schnapps and said, "Here's to spending the rest of my life between the legs of my lovely wife!"
That won him the top prize at the club for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Barbara, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."
She said, "That's nice. And what was your toast?"
Morris said, "Here's to spending the rest of my life, sitting in 'shul' beside my wife."
"Oh Morris, that's so nice!
The next day, Barbara ran into one of Morris's club buddies. The man chuckled and said, "Morris won the prize at the club with a toast about you."
She said, "Sure, he told me. And I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time, on Yom Kippur, I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."
GG said, about this one, This should end all Three Bears Stories!"
Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?!!" he squeaks.
Papa Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl, and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my Porridge?!!" he roars.
Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, "How many times do we have to go through this with you idiots?
It was Momma Bear who got up first; it was Momma Bear who woke everyone in the house.
It was Momma Bear who made the coffee, it was Momma Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night, and put everything away.
It was Momma Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper.
It was Momma Bear who set the damn table, it was Momma Bear who put the friggin cat out, cleaned the litter box, and filled the cat's water and food dish.
And, now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs, and grace Momma Bear's kitchen with your grumpy presence, listen good, cause I'm only going to say this one more time.
"I HAVEN'T MADE THE DAMN PORRIDGE YET!!
Saint George
President George W. Bush was scheduled to visit the Methodist church outside Washington, DC as part of his campaign. Bush's campaign manager made a visit to the Bishop, and said to him, "We've been getting a lot of bad publicity among Methodists because of Bush's position on stem cell research and the like. We'd gladly make a contribution to the church of $100,000 if during your sermon you'd say the President is a saint."
The Bishop thinks it over for a few moments and finally says, "The Church is in desperate need of funds and I will agree to do it."
Bush pompously shows up looking especially smug today and as the sermon progresses the Bishop begins his homily: "George Bush is petty, a self-absorbed hypocrite and a nitwit. He is a liar, a cheat, a bully, and a low-intelligence weasel.
He was a drunken cokehead for most of his adult life, and he had Rove scrub his cocaine arrest story by setting up and destroying the journalist who reported it, the late Jim Hatfield.
He has lied about his military record and had the gall to dress up in a flight suit landing on a carrier posing before a banner stating 'Mission Accomplished.'
Worst of all, he let his cabinet neocons and covert operators murder almost 3,000 Americans on 9/11 so he could invade two countries for oil and money and hes been lying about it ever since.
He is the worst example of a Methodist I've ever personally known. But compared to Dick Cheney, Donald Rumsfeld, Paul Wolfowitz, Richard Pearle, Doug Feith, Scooter Libby, and the other neocons, George Bush is a saint."
GG sent us an advertisement, covering The New Rx from MERCK, and asks, Couldnt we all use a little of this?
GG sent this, and well close her submissions with this one. She comments, Well, its an Alex!
#1 SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR...
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.
"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shaking her head and sweetly said "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."
PM, and many others, sent this one. He said, I laughed until I cried! We think you will enjoy it, too
Dr. Visit
They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing. There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients.
I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.
An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk...
The Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?"
"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that."
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.
The Receptionist replied; "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private."
The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"
"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.
"And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"
"I can't piss out of it," he replied.
The waiting room erupted in laughter! Mess with seniors and you're gonna lose.
IS sent this one, called Four Old Friends
Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party. After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room. Those who remained talked about their kids.
The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday."
The second guy said, "Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, and then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday."
The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion."
The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: "What are all the congratulations for?"
One of the three said: "We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. What about your son?"
The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub."
The three friends said: "What a shame... what a disappointment. The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends."
CW sent this one; an oldie, for sure, but still a goodie!
The Jewish Widow
A recently widowed Jewish lady was sitting on a beach towel at Ormond Beach, Florida. She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand nearby and began reading a book.
Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him.
"Hello, sir, how are you?" "Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.
"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.
"First time since my wife passed away last year," he replied, and again turned back to his book.
"Do you live around here?" she asked.
"Yes, I live over in Plantation Bay" he answered, and then resumed reading.
Trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted.
"Do you like pussycats?"
With that, the man threw his book down, jumped off his blanket onto hers, tore off both their swimsuits, and gave her the most passionate ride of her life!
As the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"
The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"
CW called this one Girls Night Out
Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, however they had gotten over-enthusiastic on Bacardi Breezers.
Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery. One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them.
Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.
After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home.
The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said, "These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst... My wife came home with no panties!!"
"That's nothing" said the other husband, Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said, From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you.'
A dear friend of The Humor Mill, who moved from Jamaica to Canada, sent this one, with a comment Especially for all my wonderful American friends!
This
is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a US Naval
CANADIANS: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South, to avoid a collision.
AMERICANS: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North, to avoid a collision.
CANADIANS: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
AMERICANS:
This is the Captain of a US Navy
CANADIANS: Negative. I say again, you will have to divert your course.
AMERICANS:
THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER US LINCOLN. THE SECOND LARGEST
CANADIANS: We are a lighthouse. Your call.
GA is a lady who used the link on our site, to send in a good one:
My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last.
1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little wine, some good food and companionship. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Florida and mine is in New York.
3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric bread maker. Then she said, "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down! So I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, she told me, "In the lake."
8. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, and Am I too late for the garbage? The driver said, "No, jump in!"
WT, from work, submitted this one, from Chauvinists Anonymous
Men strike back!
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
Finally, RU sent this one, about...
THE AMISH ELEVATOR
An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, "What is this Father? The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat, old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out.
The father said quietly to his son..... Go get your mother."
October 30, 2006
SN sent this visual; no other explanation necessary ...
Dr. MJ sent this one, called:
Aflac Insurance Scam
Seems the BBB got a complaint the other day about a scam that AFLAC was taking advantage of women on the street and stealing their money.
Now we all at one time thought that an INSURANCE Company has stolen from us, however this scam is netting COLD HARD CASH from unsuspecting individuals.
The way it works is the thief uses children to distract the target. While admiring the cuteness of the kids they are robbed of their cash and never know what hit them.
I'm sending this out for all to be aware that this is happening and it's right out on the streets where the general public is.
A passer by with a digital camera phone happen to capture this photo.
Review it carefully and use caution when distractions like this come along.
Good Luck
Don't say you weren't warned!
SN sent this one, for Halloween, called:
The Cab Driver
A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."
She answers, " My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"
"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."
The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child," said the nun, why are! you crying?"
"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess: I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK. I lied too. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."
Dr. DF sent this one, and writes: Just when you thought faith in human kindness was a lost cause. Someone who teaches at a middle school in Safety Harbor, Florida, forwarded the following letter. The letter was sent to the principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly.
An old lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door prize and was writing to say thank you. This story is a credit to all humankind. Forward to anyone you know who might need a lift today.
Dear Safety Harbor Middle School:
God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizen's luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Safety Harbor Assisted Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone now and it's nice to know that someone is thinking of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady.
My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio, but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping. The other day her radio fell off the night stand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I told her to kiss my ass.
Thank you for that opportunity.
Sincerely.
Edna
Dr. DF said:
The Sign Says It All!
[Ed note: Also sent in by SC.]
Bassman sent
The Amazing Italian
A sign read: "Don't Miss The Amazing Italian."
The salesman bought a ticket and sat down. There, under The Big Top, in the center ring, was a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it was an old Italian.
Suddenly, the old man dropped his pants, whipped out his huge male member and smashed all the walnuts with three mighty swings!
The crowd erupted in applause and the elderly Italian was carried off on their shoulders.
Fifteen years later the salesman visited the same little town, found the same circus and saw the same faded sign that read, "Don't Miss The Amazing Italian."
He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive much less still doing his act!
He bought a ticket. Again, the center ring was illuminated. This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table.
The Italian stood before them, then suddenly dropped his pants and smashed the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member.
The crowd went wild!
Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show.
"You're incredible!" he told the Italian, "But I have to know something. I saw your act 15 years ago and you were using walnuts. Why the switch from walnuts to coconuts?"
"Well," said the Italian, "My eyes aren't what they used to be."
SC sent this photo with the question,
"What's the Point?"
[Smile!]
Dr. CW sent this one, about Tickle Me Elmo Dolls:
There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.
Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM. The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.
The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs. The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena.
"I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday ... Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."
And then Dr. CW sent this one: A man escapes
from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in
bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her
neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he is in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: "Listen, this guy is an
escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He has probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck.
If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is
obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he could kill us both. Be strong, honey; I love you." His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's
gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too!"
We actually do get people who send in their favorite jokes. Here's one from a person we never met, and don't know ...
My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last.
Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little wine, some good food and companionship. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Florida and mine is in New York.
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric bread maker. Then she said, "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.
My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, she told me, "In the lake."
My wife got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!"
[Ed note: If I didn't know better, I'd think that Henny Youngman sent this one!]
Finally, a series of Photos, contributed by EC.
Each shows why the person in the photo could be given an award as ...
Women Drivers of the Year!
July 3, 2006
GG sent this one - it's priceless, and so appropriate!
George W. Bush and a secret service agent are taking a stroll when they come upon a little girl carrying a basket with a blanket over it. Curious, Bush asks the girl, "What's in the basket?"
"New baby kittens," she replies, and she opens the basket to show him.
"How nice," says Bush. "What kind are they?"
The little girl says, "Republicans."
Bush smiles, pats the little girl on the head and continues on.
Three weeks later, Bush is taking another stroll, this time with Karl
Rove. They see the little girl again with the same basket. Bush says,
"Watch this, Karl -- it's really cute."
They approach the little girl. Bush greets her and asks how the kittens are doing, and she says, "Fine."
Then, smirking, he nudges Rove with his elbow and asks the little girl, "And can you tell us what kind of kittens they are?"
She replies, "Democrats."
Aghast, Bush says, "But three weeks ago you said they were Republicans!"
"I know," she says. "But now their
eyes are open."
Another one from GG;
OVERDOSE
VICTIMS
I'm sending these graphic pictures of overdose victims not for shock
value, but rather in the hope that you will have a frank discussion with
friends and family about respecting moderation, understanding limits, and
knowing when to just walk away.
Remember...
This did NOT have to happen
...
(parental discretion advised)
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"I checked this out on Snopes.com, and its ALL true!"
-SC
New Chemical Element
A major research institution has just announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element has been named "Bushcronium." Bushcronium has one neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 224 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an Atomic mass of 311. These 311 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. The symbol for Bushcronium is "W".
Bushcronium's mass actually increases over time, since each reorganization causes more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to believe that Bushcronium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration.
This hypothetical quantity is referred to as "Critical Morass."
When catalyzed with money, Bushcronium activates Foxnewsium, an element which radiates orders of magnitude, more energy, albeit as incoherent noise, since it has 1/2 as many peons but twice as many morons.
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HC sent this one:
Democrats finally regain power in 2021....
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QUALIFICATIONS FOR CEO:
City boy, Kenny, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died."
Kenny replied, "Well then, just give me my money back."
The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
Kenny said, "OK then, just unload the donkey."
The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?"
Kenny, "I'm going to raffle him off."
Farmer, You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"
Kenny, "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he is dead."
A month later the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?"
Kenny, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898.00."
Farmer, "Didn't anyone complain?"
Kenny, Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."
Kenny grew up and eventually became the chairman of Enron.
SU sent this one, called PUSH! Also known as The Drunk.
A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud
"Not a chance," says the husband, "It is three o'clock in the morning."
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?"
"No way. It is three o'clock in the morning and it is pouring rain
His wife said, "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke
The man does as he is told (of course!), gets dressed and goes out into
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes! Please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the
"Over here on the swing!!" replies the drunk."
Su calls this one "The Inheritance"
When Dan found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly
o one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.
"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her, "but in just a week or two, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."
Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and, three days later, she became his stepmother.
[NB: Women are so much smarter than men.]
Su was one of many who sent this one, a warning about a new, sexually transmitted disease. Groan all you like, but it still is a good one!
New Sexually Transmitted Disease Warning: Worse than SARS and Bird Flu combined
The Centers for Disease Control has issued a warning about a new virulent strain of Sexually Transmitted Disease. The disease is contracted through dangerous and high-risk behavior. The disease is called Gonorrhea Lectim and pronounced "gonna re-elect him." Many victims contracted it in 2004, after having been screwed for the past four years. Cognitive characteristics of individuals infected include: anti-social personality disorders, delusions of grandeur with messianic overtones, extreme cognitive dissonance, inability to incorporate new information, pronounced xenophobia and paranoia, inability to accept responsibility for own actions, cowardice masked by misplaced bravado, uncontrolled facial smirking, ignorance of geography and history, tendencies towards evangelical theocracy, categorical all-or-nothing behavior. Naturalists and epidemiologists are amazed at how this destructive disease originated only a few years ago from a bush found in Texas.
Su brings us this one, with help from The Washington Post
The Washington Post's Style Invitational asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding,
subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are this year's winners:
1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little
sign of breaking down in the near future.
2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.
8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
9. Karmageddon (n): It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like,
a serious bummer.
10 Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.
12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.
And the pick of the literature:
16. Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
Su called this one No Nursing Home For Me. I can't help but agree!
About 2 years ago my wife and I were on a cruise through the western Mediterranean aboard a Princess liner. At dinner we noticed an elderly lady sitting alone along the rail of the grand stairway in the main dining room. I also noticed that all the staff, ships officers, waiters, busboys, etc., all seemed very familiar with this lady. I asked our waiter who the lady was, expecting to be told that she owned the line, but he said he only knew that she had been on board for the last four cruises, back-to-back.
As we left the dining room one evening I caught her eye and stopped to say hello. We chatted and I said, "I understand you've been on this ship for the last four cruises."
She replied, "Yes, that's true."
I stated, "I don't understand" and she replied, without a pause, "It's cheaper than a nursing home."
So, there will be no nursing home in my future. When I get old and feeble, I am going to get on a Princess Cruise Ship. The average cost for a nursing home is $200 per day. I have checked on reservations on a Princess and I can get a long term discount and senior discount price of $135 per day. That leaves $65 a day for:
1. Gratuities which will only be $10 per day.
2. I will have as many as 10 meals a day if I can waddle to the restaurant, or I can have room service (which means I can have breakfast-in-bed every day of the week).
3. Princess has as many as three swimming pools, a workout room, free washers and dryers, and shows every night.
4. They have free toothpaste and razors, and free soap and shampoo.
5. They will even treat you like a customer, not a patient. An extra $5 worth of tips will have the entire staff scrambling to help you.
6. I will get to meet new people every 7 or 14 days.
7. T. V. broken? Light bulb need changing? Need to have the mattress replaced? No Problem! They will fix everything and apologize for your inconvenience.
8. Clean sheets and towels every day, and you don't even have to ask for them.
9. If you fall in the nursing home and break a hip you are on Medicare; if you fall and break a hip on the Princess ship they will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.
Now hold on for the best! Do you want to see South America, the Panama Canal, Tahiti, Australia, New Zealand, Asia, or name where you want to go?
Princess will have a ship ready to go. So don't look for me in a nursing home, just call shore to ship.
PS: And don't forget, when you die, they just dump you over the side -- at no charge.
Su sent Jail Time For Peaches!
An 80-year-old woman was arrested for
shop lifting. When she went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?"
She replied: "A can of peaches."
The judge asked her why she had stolen them, and she replied that she was hungry.
The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied six.
The judge then said, "I will give you six days in jail."
Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.
The judge asked, " What is it? "
The husband said "She also stole a can of peas."
[Dear readers: your editor is using what is called a "beta version" of Microsoft's Front Page. This will be included in the next version of Microsoft Office, tentatively called Office 2007. As a result, it takes much longer to put an issue together for posting on the Internet. And that means that not as many new jokes and stories are posted as we would like to post. We hope you will bear with us as the beta version becomes stronger and better, and quicker, too. Until then, we can only post about one-quarter of the number we want to post.]
RU doesn't send many, but when she does, they're pretty good ones. This one is a loud groaner, and a fitting start
to this update. She calls it, simply, Duck: A woman brought a very limp
duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After
a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your Duck Cuddles has passed away." The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure? "Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied. "How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a
coma or something." The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador
Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the
duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a cat. The cat jumped up on the table and
also sniffed delicately at the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on it's haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the
room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!", she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead??" "The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been only $20, but with the Lab Report
and the Cat Scan, it's now $150.00.
SN, a relatively new contributor sent a few, recently, and we start with this one:
THE CENTER FOR DISEASE CONTROL HAS RELEASED A LIST OF SYMPTOMS OF BIRD FLU. IF YOU EXPERIENCE ANY OF THE FOLLOWING, PLEASE SEEK MEDICAL TREATMENT IMMEDIATELY.
1. HIGH FEVER
2. CONGESTION
3. NAUSEA
4. FATIGUE
5. ACHING IN THE JOINTS
6. AN IRRESISTIBLE URGE TO POOP ON SOMEONE'S WINDSHIELD.
SN continues with this, of a religious nature, called The Wedding:
Four novice nuns were about to take their vows. Dressed in their white gowns, they came into the chapel with the Mother Superior, and were about to undergo the ceremony to marry them to Jesus, making them "Brides of Christ."
Just as the ceremony was about to begin, four Hasidic Jews with yarmulkes, long sideburns and long beards came in and sat in the front row.
The Mother Superior said to them, "I am honored that you would want to share this experience with us, but do you mind if I ask you why you came?"
One of the Jews replied, "We're from the groom's family."
And SN continues with this one:
All men should be aware of WORDS WOMEN USE
FINE: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
FIVE MINUTES: If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
NOTHING: This is the calm before the storm. This means "something", and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with "Nothing" usually end in "Fine."
GO AHEAD: This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.
LOUD SIGH: This is not actually a word, but it is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing."
THAT'S OKAY: This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard about how and when you will pay for your mistake.
THANKS: A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you're welcome.
WHATEVER: It's a woman's way of saying *!#@ YOU!
SN sent a primer on No Parent Left Behind!
You can't read these and not laugh out loud! These are real notes written by parents in a Tennessee school district (spellings have been left intact).
My son is under a doctor's care and should not take PE today. Please execute him.
Please exkuce Lisa for being absent she was sick and I had her shot.
Dear school: please ecsc's John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and also 33.
Please excuse Gloria from jim today. She is administrating.
Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea, and his boots leak.
Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.
Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday. We thought it was Sunday.
Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the marines.
Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.
Please excuse Brenda. She has been sick and under the doctor.
Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasnt the best either, sorethroat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.
SN also sent us Letters Of Divorce:
Dear Husband:
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or anything. Either you're cheating or you don't love me, what ever the case is, I'm gone.
Your EX-Wife
P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!
Dear Ex-Wife:
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a man!" My mother raised me to not say anything if you can't say anything nice. When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99. After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the filling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.
Signed Rich As Hell and Free!
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born Carla. I hope that's not a problem.
SN sent this one, entitled "The World's Strongest Man:"
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.
Many people had tried over time: weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc., but nobody could do it.
One day this scrawny little fellow came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a small voice, "I'd like to try the bet."
After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little fellow. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.
As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000 and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?"
The little fellow replied: "I work for the United Jewish Appeal."
SN's last offering for this edition is called Lovers' Lane:
A cop was patrolling at night in a well known spot called, "Lovers' Lane." He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing.
The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window.
The young man lowers his window ... Uh, yes, officer?
"What are you doing?"
"Well, isn't it obvious? I'm reading a magazine, sir..."
Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat, the cop says, "And her, what is she doing?"
The young man shrugs: "Sir, I believe she's knitting a pullover sweater!"
Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple, alone ... in a car ... at night ... in a lover's lane ... and nothing is happening!
"What's your age, young man?"
"I'm 25, sir."
And what's her age?"
The young man looks at his watch and replies, "She'll be 18 in 20 minutes."
Our dear friend GG starts us off with this one, saying, "I'm not sure if all this makes men happier, but it certainly makes things easier for them:"
Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You never have menstrual cramps. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes-- one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier.
GG sent us this visual ... a poster for that now famous movie ... this time, co-starring
George W. Bush:
GG sent this one, and commented it is An Oldie:
One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up: fireman, mechanic, businessman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth.
But little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet. When the teacher prodded him about his father, he replied:
"My father's, well ... like a dancer in, uh ... he calls it a cabaret. He says it's very gay -- he takes off all his clothes in front of the men there and they put money in his underwear. Then sometimes, he meets somebody really nice, and he goes home with him. And they do some things together, and he comes home with lots of money."The teacher hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and then, took Justin aside. Bracing herself for an answer she hoped wouldn't come, she asked him, "Is that really true about your father?"
"No," the boy said. "Actually, he works for the Republican National Committee and helped re-elect George Bush, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."
We interrupt GG's submissions too bring you these, contributed by a friend at work, CR:
Tonight Show/Jay Leno's Kids Jokes
Jay Leno brings kids on the Tonight Show to tell jokes every month. Here are 3 recent kid jokes:
Joke #1:
Kid: Jay will you remember me in 1 week?
Jay: Yes. Sure.
Kid: Jay will you remember me in 1 month?
Jay: Of course.
Kid: Jay will you remember me in 1 year?
Jay: Absolutely.
Kid: Knock knock
Jay: Who's there?
Kid: See... you forgot me already!!!
Joke #2:
Kid: My dad's credit card was stolen 3 months ago and he still hasn't reported it stolen.
Jay: Why not?
Kid: My dad says because the thief charges way less than mommy!!!
Joke #3:
Kid: What's the difference between a flounder and a lawyer?
Jay: I don't know, what?
Kid: One's a scum sucking bottom feeder and the other is a fish!!!
And now, back to GG's submissions ...
She calls this next one, Remarkable Quotes from Remarkable Jews:
My father never lived to see his dream come true of an all-Yiddish-speaking Canada. -- David Steinberg
I once wanted to become an atheist but I gave up. They have no holidays. -- Henny Youngman
Look at Jewish history. Unrelieved lamenting would be intolerable. So, for every ten Jews beating their breasts, God designated one to be crazy and amuse the breast beaters. By the time I was five I knew I was that one. -- Mel Brooks
The time is at hand when the wearing of a prayer shawl and skullcap will not bar a man from the White House, unless, of course, the man is Jewish. -- Jules Farber
Even if you are Catholic, if you live in New York, you're Jewish. If you live in Butte, Montana, you are going to be goyim even if you are Jewish. -- Lenny Bruce
God, I know we are your chosen people, but couldn't you choose somebody else for a change? -- Shalom Aleichem
The remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served us nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found. -- Calvin Trillin
Let me tell you the one thing I have against Moses. He took us forty years into the desert in order to bring us to the one place in the Middle East that has no oil! -- Golda Meir
Even a secret agent can't lie to a Jewish mother. -- Peter Malkin
Humility is no substitute for a good personality. -- Fran Lebowitz
My idea of an agreeable person is a person who agrees with me. -- Benjamin Disraeli
It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don't say it. -- Sam Levenson
Don't be humble; you are not that great. -- Golda Meir
God will pardon me. It's His business. -- Heinrich Heine
I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I had lost exactly two weeks. -- Joe E. Lewis
Bankruptcy is a legal proceeding in which you put your money in your pants pocket and give your coat to your creditors. --Sam Goldwyn
A spoken contract isn't worth the paper it 's written on. -- Sam Goldwyn
Everybody likes a kidder but nobody loans him money. -- Arthur Miller
I have enough money to last me the rest of my life unless I buy something. -- Jackie Mason
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying. -- Woody Allen
Whoever called it necking was a poor judge of anatomy. -- Groucho Marx
A politician is a man who will double cross that bridge when he comes to it. -- Oscar Levant
Too bad that all the people who know how to run this country are busy driving taxis and cutting hair. -- George Burns
Liberals feel unworthy of their possessions. Conservatives feel they deserve everything they've stolen. -- Mort Sahl
I don't want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth, even if it costs them their jobs. -- Sam Goldwyn
GG called this "Inheritance Joke:"
So he went to a singles bar, and he searched until he spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath away.
"Right now, I'm just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her, "but within a month or two, my father will pass away and I'll inherit over 20 million dollars."
The woman went home with Robert that night. And four days later, she became his stepmother.
Some men never learn.
GG simply calls this one, Prince Charles:
1. Prince Charles got married
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe
3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament.
4. Pope Died
Year 2005
1. Prince Charles got married
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe
3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament
4. Pope Died
In the future, if Prince Charles decides to remarry ... please warn the Pope (or not).
A Showbiz Tale, brought to you by GG:
"What happened, honey?" the man asks.
"Oh, John, it was terrible," she weeps.
"I was cooking, the phone rang. It was your agent. Because I was on the phone, I didn't notice the stove had caught on fire. It went up in seconds. Everything is gone. I nearly didn't make it out of the house. Poor Fluffy is gone...."
"Wait! Back up a minute," the man says. "My agent called?"
GG sent another visual, called "Proof of Global Warming:"
Once again, GG gives us "Another Alex Joke!"
An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice: picnic tables, horseshoe courts, a volleyball court, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond and look it over, as he hadn't been there for a while. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked."
Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
Old men can still think fast, when so inspired.
[Okay, is it an Alex Joke because of the "old man?" GG replied, 'it's another Alex joke, not that you're elderly!" She should run for office ...]
And this one is simply "An Alex Joke:"
In the dead of summer a fly was resting on a leaf beside a lake. The hot, dry fly who said to no one in particular, "Gosh ... if I move down three inches, I will feel the mist from the water and I will be refreshed."
There was a fish in the water thinking, "Gosh ... if that fly moves down three inches, I can eat him."
There was a bear on the shore thinking, "Gosh ... if that fly moves down three inches that fish will jump for the fly ... and I will grab him."
It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank of the lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich. "Gosh," he thought, "if that fly moves down three inches ... and that fish leaps for it ... that bear will expose himself and grab for the fish. I'll shoot the bear and have a proper lunch."
You probably think this is enough activity on one bank of a lake, but I can tell you there's more ...
A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking, "Gosh ... if that fly moves down three inches ... and that fish jumps for that fly ... and that bear grabs for that fish ... the dumb hunter will shoot the bear and drop his cheese sandwich."
A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought - as was fashionable to do on the banks of this particular lake around lunch time - "Gosh... if that fly moves down three inches ... and that fish jumps for that fly ... and that bear grabs for that fish and that hunter shoots that bear ... and that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich ... then I can have mouse for lunch."
The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he heads down for the cooling mist of the water.
The fish swallows the fly ...
The bear grabs the fish ...
The hunter shoots the bear ...
The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich ...
The cat jumps for the mouse ...
The mouse ducks ... the cat falls into the water and drowns.
The moral of the story is: Whenever a fly goes down three inches, some pussy is in serious danger.
And GG ends this edition with yet "Another Alex Joke:"
You're a lady and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed." : --- That's Direct Marketing.
You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and, pointing at you, says, "She's fantastic in bed.": --- That's Advertising.
You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call him and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed.": --- That's Telemarketing.
You see a guy at a party, you straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I," and reach up to straighten his tie, brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed." : --- That's Public Relations.
You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed.": --- That's Brand Recognition.
You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He fancies you, but you talk him into going home with your friend. --- That's sales.
Your friend can't satisfy him so she calls you. --- That's Tech Support.
You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing. So you climb onto the roof of one situated near the center of the block and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!" --- That's Junk Mail.
You are at a party when a well-built man walks up to you and gropes your breast and grabs your ass. --- That's the Governor of California.
You don't know how to react, but twenty years later your attorney decides you were offended and he files a lawsuit on your behalf. --- That's America.
Bassman sent this one, described as "A little slice of what techs put up on a daily basis."
Customer: I'm trying to connect to the Internet with your CD, but it just doesn't work. What am I doing wrong?
Tech support: OK, you've got the CD in the CD drive, right?
Customer: Yeah...
Tech support: And what sort of computer are you using?
Customer: Computer? Oh no, I haven't got a computer. It's in the CD player and all I get is weird noises. Listen...
Tech support: Aaaarrrrgggghhhh!!!
===============
Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer: A white one ...
===============
Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No ... wait a minute ... I hadn't inserted it yet ... it's still on my desk ... sorry...
===============
Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
===============
Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello ... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and ...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates, damn it!
===============
Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer.' I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it ...
===============
Customer: I have problems printing in red ...
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah... thank you. (Click)
===============
Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the supermarket.
===============
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No... I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: OK
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer : Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in.
===============
Tech support: Your password is the small letter 'a' as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?
===============
Customer: I can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.
===============
Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry... Internet Explorer.
===============
Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but now, every time I move the mouse, it disappears.
===============
Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?
===============
A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem about her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine."
===============
And last but not least: ...
Tech support: "Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: "P"... on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!!
And on that note ... Thanks for stopping by and reading our offerings. Send us something you want to see on the Web ... Enjoy Life!
November 26, 2005
Our Traveling Professor, DF, sent this one: A Greek and Italian were sitting in a coffee
shop one afternoon discussing who had the superior culture. Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, "Well, we have the Parthenon." Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum." The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics." The Italian, nodding agreement, says, "But we built the Roman empire."
And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion.
With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented sex!"
The Italian replies, "That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women."
DF sent this one, he calls "Don't mess with old ladies!"
An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
MORAL: Don't Mess With Little Old ladies.
DF sends a series of Blonde Groaner Jokes:
SHE GOT A WOODY!
A ventriloquist is doing his act and is bringing the house down with one blonde joke after another. The audience is howling.
Suddenly, a blonde stands up in the middle of the room, and shouts, "Who do you think you are with all these jokes about blondes? Just because we're blonde, that doesn't mean we're stupid!"
The ventriloquist says, "I'm sorry if my jokes have offend--"
"Shut up!" the blonde says. "I'm not talking to you. I'm talking to that little bastard on your lap!"
TO THE MOON
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away, Florida or the moon?
"The other blonde turns and says, "Hello, can you see Florida?
CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor."
She asks, How often do I have to do that?"
SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"
RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank.
"Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."
KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"
"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.
The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!
"The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.
"You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"
IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science &Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.
The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"HELLOOOOO," answered the blond. - "They're watch dogs!"
DF Calls this one simply, The Nun!
A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.
He replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."
She answers, My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic."
"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."
The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?"
"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."
DF said, "At least the late night shows have it correct . . . . . enjoy!"
At the trial Saddam insisted he is still president, he is still in charge, despite the fact that his people disapprove of him and his top assistants are all in jail or going to jail. No, I'm sorry, that's President Bush." --Jay Leno
"Saddam Hussein's trial started yesterday, were you folks aware of that? In court he was stubborn and he was defiant. Stubborn and defiant in insisting that he's still the president. You know, sorta like Bush." --David Letterman
"There are rumors circulating that because of the CIA leak investigation, Vice President Dick Cheney would resign and Condoleezza Rice will take his place. Due to the complex nature of the arrangement, it had to be explained to the President using puppets." --Jay Leno
"The results from the Iraqi election are coming in and the Sunnis are claiming that the election was rigged. So looks like they got an American-style democracy after all." --David Letterman
"Here's a reminder to Iraq: The crooked voting machines are due back in Florida by Friday." - David Letterman
"Karl Rove testified in front of the grand jury for the fourth time. This is the fourth time in front of the grand jury. In fact this time he had to give his testimony standing up. See the first three times he lied his ass off, so he had to stand up." --Jay Leno
"You know I love New Orleans, they're vowing to hold Mardi Gras this year come hell or -- no pun -- high water. This is interesting, they've always had a Mardi Gras drink called the Hurricane. They're not going to serve that this year, but they've got a new one called the FEMA. It's strong, it hits you about a week later." --Bill Maher
"President Bush is taking more liberal positions. For example global warming. He used to be against it. Now it's the Republican plan for heating homes this winter." -Jay Leno
"I think the President is losing it. The BBC is reporting that Bush told a group of Palestinian ministers that God told him to invade Iraq. You see, that's what happens when you mix the New Testament and Old Milwaukee." --Bill Maher
"Now here's some sad information coming out of Washington. According to reports, President Bush may be drinking again. And I thought, 'Well, why not? He's got everybody else drinking.'" --David Letterman
DF's one-liner on The Supreme Court
George Bush was just asked his position on Roe versus Wade. He said he didn't really care how people got out of New Orleans.
Bassman sent a pictorial on Why God Made Pets:
WHY GOD MADE PETS
They help out around the house
They protect our children ...
They look out for the smaller ones ...
They show us how to relax ...
They "converse" with each other ...
They help you when you're down ...
They are great at decorating for the Holidays ...
They have "great" expectations ...
They are Patriotic ...
They are happy to "test" the water ...
They love their "teddies" ...
AND - They know when we need a good LAUGH!
It is done by moving the corners of the mouth upward. LET ME SHOW YOU HOW :
Bassman sent a Tech Support Goodie! Isn't this just a hoot. Check out the 3rd picture.....
that face tells it all.
This was an actual printer jam at John Deere Seeding! "Come and
fix the printer jam please ?"
He's not dead but
he's sure stuck. They did end up getting him
out and letting him loose for those of you that are mouse lovers. How'd you like to
get to work and find this problem?
From Sis-In-Law, comes a primer on how to give your
pet a pill! How to give a cat a pill: 1.
Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if
holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in
right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow. 2.
Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat
in right arm (To avoid wound on left arm) and repeat process. 3.
Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4.
Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in best arm, holding
rear paws tightly with hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten. 5.
Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.
Call spouse from garden. 6.
Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front
and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop
pill, put down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously. 7.
Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil
wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing
later. 8.
Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head
just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow through straw. 9.
Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink 1
beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap. 10.
Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open
another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down
throat with elastic band. 11.
Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on
hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for tetanus shot. Apply whiskey
compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom. 12.
Call fire department to retrieve the f------ cat
from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. 13.
Take last pill from foil wrap. 14.
Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden
twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of steak
filet. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down. 15.
Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the
emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and remove pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home
to order new table. 16.
Arrange for SPCA to collect the "cat from hell" and call local
pet shop to see if they have any guinea pigs. How to Give a Dog a Pill:
1.
Wrap it in bacon. 2.
Drop on the floor Sis-In-Law sends a Crocodile Tale. She asks,
"How many people did this guy eat?"
Now this is a Crocodile !
This crocodile was found in New Orleans swimming down
the street. 21 FT long, 4,500 lbs, around 80 years old minimum. Specialists said that he was looking to eat humans because he was too
old to catch animals. This crocodile was killed by the army last Sunday at 3:00 pm, currently he is in the freezer at the Azur hotel.
The contents of it's stomach will be analyzed this Friday at 2:30pm. Sis-In-Law's Amazingly Simply Home Remedies: 1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic.
Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto. The blockage will be almost instantly removed. 2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing
vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away. 3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the
toilet seat by simply using the sink. 4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut
yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer. 5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock,
will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button. 6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of
laxatives. Then you will be afraid to cough. 7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a
hammer and you will forget about the toothache. Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of
life really are: You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it
doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know
them. Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get
another chance. Significant Other weighed in with this one, from
inter-office email: Subject: Christmas Party thoughts.... I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party
will take place on December 23rd at Luigi's Open Pit barbecue. There will be lots of spiked eggnog and a small band playing traditional
carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus to light the Christmas tree! Exchange of
gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10. Merry Christmas to you and your family. Patty Lewis Human Resources Director
-------------------------------------------- December 2nd TO:
ALL EMPLOYEES In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our
Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday that often coincides with Christmas. From now on we're calling it our
"Holiday Party." The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating
Kwanza at this time. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols sung. Happy Holidays to you and your family. Patty Lewis Human Resources Director
---------------------------------------------- December 3rd TO: ALL
EMPLOYEES Regarding the anonymous note I received from a member of
Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, I'm happy to accommodate this request, but, don't forget, if I put a sign on the table
that reads, "AA Only," you won't be anonymous any more. In addition, forget about the gifts exchange-- no gifts will be allowed since the
union members feel that $10 is too much money. Patty Lewis Human Researchers Director
---------------------------------------------- December 7th Patty Lewis Human Racehorses Director
---------------------------------------------- December 9th TO: ALL
EMPLOYEES People, people nothing sinister was intended by wanting
our CEO to play Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in
a red suit." Patty Lewis Human Rat races
---------------------------------------------- December 10th TO: ALL
EMPLOYEES Vegetarians -- I've had it with you
people!! We're going to hold this party at Luigi's Open Pit whether you like it or not, you can just sit at the table farthest from the "grill
of death," as you put it, and you'll get salad bar only, including hydroponic tomatoes. But, you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They
scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them right now... Ha! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and
die, you hear me? The Bitch from Hell
---------------------------------------------- December 14th TO:
ALL EMPLOYEES
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related
illness. I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and
give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay. Terri Bishop, Acting Human
Resources Director Warmest Wishes for a Christmas filled with memories to treasure... Sis-In-Law tells us France recently upgraded their
Terror Security Level As many are aware, the French government recently announced a
raise in its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide. The normal level is "General Arrogance, and the only two higher levels in France are
"Surrender" and "Collaborate." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the
country's military capability. It's not only the French that are on a heightened level of
alert: Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate military posturing. Two more levels remain,
"Ineffective combat operations" and "Change sides. The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdain"
to "Dress in uniform and sing marching songs. They have two higher levels: "Invade a neighbor," and "Lose. Seeing this reaction in continental Europe, the Americans
have gone from "Isolationism" to "Find another oil-rich nation for regime change. Their remaining higher alert states are "Attack random
countries (ideally those without any credible military)" and "Beg the British for help. The British are also feeling the pinch in relation to recent
bombings and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved. Soon though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or
even "A Bit Cross. Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the Blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been
re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "Bloody Nuisance. The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the Great Fire
of 1666.
GG Starts us off with this reminder: Heavenly Father, Help us remember that the jerk who cut us off
in traffic last night is a single parent who worked nine hours that day and is rushing home to cook dinner, help with homework, do the laundry and
spend a few precious moments with their children. Help us to remember that the pierced, tattooed, disinterested
young man who can't make change correctly is a worried 19-year-old college student, balancing his apprehension over final exams with his fear of
not getting his student loans for next semester. Remind us, Lord, that the scary looking bum, begging for money
in the same spot every day is a slave to addictions that we can only imagine in our worst nightmares. Help us to remember that the old couple walking annoyingly slow
through the store aisles and blocking our shopping progress may be savoring this moment, knowing that, based on the biopsy report she got back
last week, this will be the last year that they go shopping together. Heavenly Father, remind us each day that, of all the gifts you
give us, the greatest gift is love. It is not enough to share that love with those we hold dear.
Open our hearts not to just those who are close to us, but to all humanity. Let us be slow to judge and quick to forgive, show patience,
empathy and love. GG said, "I call this An Alex Joke!" Priceless
Moment
So there you are, having a dinner party...
Your parents are there,
Your in-laws are there,
Your boss and his wife are there,
The minister and his wife are there,
You're all settling down for a nice relaxing evening dinner,
Then in walks the dog...
Another animal goodie from GG:
What peace really looks like ...
"The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of
others....Gandhi
GG says this is "Another Alex Joke!" The woman asks, "Is your date running late?" "No," he replies, "I just got this state-of-the-art watch, and I'm testing it." The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?" The Navy pilot explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically." The lady says, "What's it telling you now?" "Well, it says you're not wearing any panties..." "The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!" The Navy pilot smirks, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing's an hour fast." GG Sent this Political Message, The Battle Hymn
of the Republican
Mine Eyes have seen the bungling of that stumbling moron Bush;
he has blathered all the drivel that the neo-cons can push;
he has lost sight of all reason 'cause his head is up his tush;
The Doofus marches on.
I have heard him butcher syntax like a kindergarten fool;
There is warranted suspicion that he never went to school;
Should we fault him for the policies - or is he just their tool?
The lies keep piling on.
Glory! Glory! How he'll Screw Ya'!
Glory! Glory! How he'll Screw Ya'!
Glory! Glory! How he'll Screw Ya'!
His wreckage will live on. I have seen him cut
the taxes of the billionaires' lone heir; As he spends
another zillion on an aircraft carrier; Let the smokestacks
keep polluting - do we really need clean air? The surplus is now
gone. Glory! Glory! How
he'll Screw Ya'! Glory! Glory! How
he'll Screw Ya'! Glory! Glory! How
he'll Screw Ya'! Your safety net is
gone! Now he's got a
mighty hankerin' to bomb a prostrate state; Though the whole
world knows its crazy - and the U.N. says to wait; When he doesn't
have the evidence, "We must prevaricate." Diplomacy is done! Oh, a trumped-up
war is excellent; we have no moral bounds; Should the reasons
be disputed, we'll just make up other grounds; Enraging several
billions - to his brainlessness redounds; The Doofus marches
on! Glory! Glory! How
he'll Screw Ya'! Glory! Glory! How
he'll Screw Ya'! Glory! Glory! How
he'll Screw Ya'! GG sent this one - again! (So did the governor of
Connecticut!)
GG sends An Alex Visual
GG sent a visual of a Medical Breakthrough
GG gives us One Reason: Well, there's a very simple answer. Nobody
bothered to check the oil. We just didn't know we were getting low. The reason for that is purely
geographical. Our OIL is located in Alaska, California, Oklahoma, TEXAS, UTAH, and Wyoming. Our DIPSTICKS are located in Washington DC
EVERYONE NEEDS TO FEEL SECURE...
COULDN'T HELP IT MA, THAT FIRST STEP IS A KILLER..
NOW WHAT DO I DO???
IT'S IN THERE SOMEWHERE, I JUST KNOW IT!!
I REALLY NEED TO GET GOING, BUT JUST CAN'T SEEM TO GET
MOTIVATED...
MAN...I'M GETTING SO FAT I CAN HARDLY SCRATCH MY OWN
BUTT!!
December 1st
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
I've arranged for members of Over-eaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and
pregnant women closest to the rest rooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with the gay men; each will
have their table. Yes, there will be a flower arrangement for the gay men's table. Happy now? 
A Navy pilot walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch
for a moment.
"I'd think I'd change the Doofus reference to something stronger: the Drunkard, bastard, liar, etc." GG
BATTLE HYMN OF THE REPUBLICANS
The Doofus marches on!
A lot of folks can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here
in our country.
So, GG tells us something we really already know: "Animals are really people in disguise?"
WHAT PART OF QUIET DIDN'T YOU
UNDERSTAND??
