Summer is here, Hooray!
Oh Look - Kittens!
This redefines "giving head." Dennis Hastert, are you reading this?
I became confused when I heard the word "service" used by these agencies:
Internal Revenue Service, United States Postal Service, Telephone Service, Civil Service, Municipal, City, and Public Service.
This is not what I thought "service" meant.
But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to "service a few cows."
BAM!!! It all made sense.
A bookie was at the races playing
the ponies and all but losing his shirt.
Behold, the horse - a long shot - won the race.
Next race, as the horses lined up, the Priest stepped onto the track. Sure enough, he blessed one of the horses.
The bookie ran to the betting window
and placed a small bet on the horse.
He collected his winnings, and
anxiously waited to see which horse the Priest
He bet big on it, and it won. As the races continued the Priest kept blessing horses, and each one ended up winning.
The bookie was elated. He made a
dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings,
True to his pattern, the Priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was 100/1. This time the priest blessed the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag. The bookie knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag.
He watched dumbfounded as the old
nag pulled up
and couldn't even finish
Confronting him, he demanded, 'Father! What happened? All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you blessed never even had a chance. Now, thanks to you I've lost every cent of my savings!'
The Priest nodded wisely and with sympathy.
"You are not Catholic are you?"
"No, I'm Jewish."
"That's the problem", said the Priest, "you couldn't tell the difference between a blessing and last rites."
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift just prior to Christmas.
The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.
Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.
For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.
As he was about to ask the
parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, when the bird
spoke-up, very very softly,
drops some buttered toast on the kitchen floor and it lands
So he rushes round to the presbytery to fetch Father Flanagan.
He tells the priest that a miracle has occurred in his kitchen.
But he won't say what it is, so he asks Fr. Flanagan to come and see it with his own eyes.
He leads Fr. Flanagan into the kitchen and asks him what he sees on
says the priest, "it's pretty obvious. Someone has dropped
buttered toast on
"No, Father, I dropped it and it landed like that!" exclaimed Murphy.
Lord," says Fr. Flanagan, "dropped toast never falls with the
butter side up.
investigation is conducted, not only by the archdiocese but
scientists sent over from the Curia in Rome.
expense is spared.
Then, after 8 long weeks and with great fanfare, the Bishop announces the final ruling.
certain that some kind of an extraordinary event took place in
Murphy's kitchen, quite outside the natural laws of the universe.
"Unfortunately, in this case, it has been declared 'No Miracle'
As of this update, The GOP Clown Car has fifteen Candidates for President
in 2016; there will be more.
The GOP Clown Car has fifteen Candidates for President in 2016; there will be more.
The GOP Searches for their Next Presidential Candidate
The GOP Searches for their Next Presidential Candidate
Cat in the Bags
Dixie, and Dolly in the bag
Random Views of the World
Also known as Percussive Maintenance
Where's the Mouse?!
I've Made a Huge Mistake!
That'll Work, for Sure!
He Said, She Said:
He said: I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said: You wear pants don't you?
He said: Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said: That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!
He said: What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said: Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
He said: Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said: Single women come home, see what's in the fridge, and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed, and go to the fridge.
Just let me sleep it of!
A Drunken Rainbow
An Inbred Cat
Our All-time Favorite Photo
Employee of the Year Award
This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade… So remember this story the next time …
A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded: " Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking United Airlines," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
United Airlines?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."
"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it’s going to be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."
A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.
"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of United Airlines' brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."
"Oh, really! What'd he say?"
He said, "Who fucked up your hair?"
You crack me up!
Dyslectics of the World, Untie!
Here, Mousy Mousy!
Finding a WiFi Connection
The Perfect Bumper Sticker
GPS' directions can occasionally be wrong
Try the Door
Awfully Harsh Treatment!
Find the Cat!
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Copyright 2001 - 2015, Oxymoron Unlimited, The Humor Mill